For example: glowing skin. My skin was grey for the first fourteen weeks of pregnancy after suffering from severe morning sickness. Then it got really spotty, then I had the most horrendous eyebags and then it went really dry. The only time it glowed was when I overdid it with the skin illuminator and then I looked like Tinkerbell.
Then there's the thick glossy hair. My hair hasn't got any thicker and it certainly isn't glossy. It has grown super quick which has meant more frequent trips to the hairdresser to disguise the fact that I am naturally a member of the brunette club. There is no gloss though. None.
I've been told I'm 'blooming', which doesn't mean you have the pregnancy glow. It means you look fat. Your arse has spread, your boobs are bigger than your head, your face is as round as the moon. Flowers bloom. You are not a flower. You've just got fat.
You're also supposed to be a lot calmer during pregnancy. Well I can tell you right now this is utter bollocks. For one, your hormones are all over the joint. Everything pisses you off, makes you cry, pushes you over the edge and makes you contemplate violence. I don't know how I'm not in prison. I haven't calmed down, I'm more neurotic than I have ever been.
Internal examinations don't hurt, they're just uncomfortable. Er....they bloody do hurt. And as for membrane sweeps... I'd rather give blood every day of the week and I'm the biggest blood test wuss going.
Warm baths help ease pain. No they don't. Hot baths help but they certainly don't make the pain go away. Neither does Paracetamol. Or co-codamol. I need horse tranquillisers to numb my pain. And wine.
Another is that when your baby kicks it makes your heart melt. Ha. It makes your ribs ache, your stomach turn and your face screw up. Once it nearly stopped my heart. Because I was in agony not because it was glorious. Her kicks don't melt my little black heart.
You see you shouldn't believe what you read or what they tell you. That way you won't be disappointed. It's all lies. Just like Santa is real and chocolate cures all heartbreak, he'll never notice the three new pairs of shoes you just bought and once more glass of wine won't result in a hangover. If you prepare yourself for the worst you'll be fine. And that isn't me being cynical, it's the god damn truth.
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