Friday, April 24, 2015

Week 14

I started writing about pregnancy the first time from around week 30 something? I don't know, I can't be bothered to go back and check. Maybe I'll do this every week, if there is anything particularly exciting to report, maybe not if I'm too tired or don't have much to say (can you see how much effort I'm putting in here?!).

Well I have a few things to say about my experience of week 14.

I remember the nausea lifting with Lil around this time of the pregnancy, it still comes and goes now but it isn't an all day thing and it certainly hasn't been HG like last time. I wouldn't say my bump is really bump-like, more fucking hell she's been eating for seven. It's a wobbly belly really, not completely solid although it isn't as jelly-like as last week. I want all the food all the time which is nice after weeks of not being able to stomach it for fear of losing my insides. I've been getting acid reflux too, which has been ongoing since my mental anxiety breakdown last January, but again that's on and off and I've been trying to control it through diet (I'm completely off chocolate, cake and biscuits... unless they are treats from Cookie and Biscuit) but my GP told me it will get worse which I knew already. Brillz.

The tiredness isn't as severe as it was but a morning out and I'm pretty much done for the rest of the day. I really do need to start exercising, I've ordered this pregnancy yoga dvd  and once I've found a swimsuit that isn't vomit inducing then I'll start swimming again too. My mental skin is getting more mental by the hour and I'm hoping that will calm down with time (and costly skincare products and perhaps, laying off the garlic sauce...see below).

My patience is very thin at the moment and I'm snapping at my daughter on and off which leaves me feeling awful. I've started leaving the room when I feel agitation bubbling up and that's helping a bit. If you ask my husband how my mood has been, he'll tell you I've been pretty nasty and that I hate his guts at the moment which isn't true (the hating part, not the nasty part) but again it's all hormones and out of my control. Hopefully that'll lift soon.

I've been craving garlic sauce on chips all day long (explains the wobbly stomach) and sometimes Dr Pepper (NO WONDER my skin is shit), crying at the stupidest thing and ordering books on crystal healing because PREGNANCY. My 'quirk' last time around was cleaning the bathroom up to four times a day because I was obsessed with the smell of Cif bathroom spray, that's called pica I think? Or maybe it's just a pregnancy quirk, either way my bathroom was spotless all the time.  


Do I post a bump picture? Or is that corny? Photos of me pregnant with Lil were few and far between, I was not a fan of bump shots back then, or anything pregnancy related to be honest. This time, though, I've been searching #14weekbump shots on Instagram because I'm finding it fascinating just how different bumps can be at the same time of pregnancy. I've struggled with maternity wear, I feel very let down by ASOS (cross face) because usually I'm ordering clothes every week from them but their maternity range is pretty whack at the moment. I'm now living in H&M maternity leggings and in the hope that summer will arrive soon. Ok, here is a bump picture (mainly food I'd imagine after the amount I had just eaten in IKEA)...

Do you like my hat? £2 from IKEA

Yes, it's definitely just one baby in there. The bloat I'm experiencing this time is insane. Bloat / large amounts of food... same difference.

That's week 14, hardly riveting stuff but I got a new hat (and lots of plants) so that topped it off nicely. Perhaps I'll see you at week 15, perhaps.

Oh hi it's me again!

I uhmed and ahhed about whether or not I could be bothered to start this blog back up, especially after my dramatic speech in my last post. But now I'm not so exhausted and falling into bed at half eight every night, I've found that I'm still awake at eleven thirty with a whirring brain, writing blog posts in my head. So I thought, even if nobody actually reads it, I should have a place to brain dump and then perhaps I'll be able to get to sleep easier without relying on white noise (Nature Space app - Infinite Shoreline).

It would also be nice to document shit that goes down over the next 25 weeks so that my kids can compare just how much they put me through before they made their appearances in the big wide world. Catch up... I'm almost 15 weeks pregnant.

I started writing about pregnancy quite late with Lil so the majority of my posts were whining about aches and pains and later on, how she fucked me over by being almost two weeks late resulting in a pretty horrendous induction experience (more on that later, oh I have plenty to say now I've had time to reflect, again, on how shit it was and how this time will be different) and then just pure love followed by more moaning. But hey, that's motherhood.

So here I am, short on patience with lots to say about how things are this time around. Although the post I wrote in my head last night has now deleted itself (shout out to baby brain which never actually fucking leaves once you give birth to your first), I just decided I would brain dump and that there probably would be no structure to this whatsoever. I think I've bored the shit out of anyone who follows any of my social media accounts with all my reposts about pregnancy stuff and pictures of nothing in particular moaning about how large I feel already. So at least by starting this up again, I can relieve them of all of that.

Anyway! There are two women in my life at this very moment who are also pregnant. Both first time mums who have had me firing advice at them since the beginning of their pregnancies, both probably sick of my words of wisdom(!) and tips on various things. So again, I'll probably just write it all down on here so they can take it or leave it without offending me (I wouldn't get offended).

This post isn't really coming across as a happy post is it? Well it's supposed to be a happy post. I'm happy (gobsmacked in fact) that I'm up the duff because I didn't actually think it would ever happen again. I feel very blessed etc. But let's not drag on about all that. I'll finish up now, the next post will be less rambling and more actual words that make some kind of sense (I think).

I'm happy to be back here and on this new(ish) journey, I hope you'll enjoy it as much as last time.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Toodle-oo suckas.

I've had this thought in the back of my mind for a while. Since the ectopic pregnancy, I guess. I suppose you could say when I lost the pregnancy, I lost something else (a fallopian tube and a couple pounds, yes but something else too - I'm trying to keep this light so please be kind)... my love for writing? No, it's not that. My love for blogging? I just woke up and realised that I didn't really care for it much anymore. I woke up and everything changed, I thought differently and wanted different things. Sounds a little dramatic doesn't it? I was convinced I wasn't going to wake up though, remember. Facing your fear does funny things to your brain.


But it wasn't just that, I thought about if I would want to read back what my Mum had to say about me when I was three. The truth is, I wouldn't. And then I worried that all these demons that have been dug back up through CBT would have an effect on the way I write things. I don't want to come across as bitter because I'm not. But I'm juggling a lot of emotions these days. Should totally have been American, I do keep telling you (in a New Jersey accent).

To cut all this short, I realised that I didn't want to blog anymore. The world of blogging is no longer what it was and I don't enjoy this new world, it isn't my cup of tea.

When I started over three years ago, I knew very little about blogging. I just wrote what I thought. Turns out for the first few months it was mainly sweary, angry things about being pregnant. I read them back sometimes and cringe, but that's the point isn't it? I've learnt a lot, especially by documenting my journey through parenthood. I've made some amazing friends across the world, had so many wonderful comments (I never was great at replying - sorry) and only one negative one (apparently Lil gets sick because I never breastfed... hahahahaha... dickhead). It's been so wonderful to know that I'm not neurotic (well, not completely) and that something I thought only I was going through actually happens to others. Who knew we all went through the same thing?! Oh how clueless I've been!

She can roll her tongue... my job here is done.

I've worked with some great companies, had the pleasure of writing about some bloody brilliant Mums and have even been nominated for awards. It's been so amazing.

I'm not going to delete this blog though, especially if it can help another potty training Mum who is pulling her hair out because her child just doesn't get it. Or a lonely parent suffering from anxiety. And maybe one day Lil will stumble upon it and use it against me when she's going through her teenage angst phase*. Who knows?

If you want to keep up to date on what's going down and if I'm still saying what you're thinking, find me over on Instagram. I'm yesimcharlotte. **

Please know that I am so grateful to everyone who has read my blog and supported me. I love you all, even if I don't know you. And if you've come across this blog looking for huge mum tits, you've come to the wrong place... you pervert.

Farewell you bunch of lushbags xxx

P.S you can still email me about stuff if you want. Or not. Up to you.

*Hey, Lil, if you're reading this... you weren't a complete asshole. You were definitely lovely a lot of the time but, y'know... you were an asshole a lot of the time too. But I loved you more each day and I love you a million times more now. Now get off the internet and go do your homework. I love you.

**Please note: If you're family, I wont accept your request. I like to keep my Instagram account free from judgement. And yes, I do mainly post pictures of myself drinking wine. So now you don't need to follow me.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

CBT and I hate you's...

The other day, I was bitching about how hard 'three' is when a friend said 'I don't know why people talk shit about two, I liked two.' And looking back to when Lil was two, I agreed. Tantrums dominated that age for a long time but it was a great age in general. Three is just a piece of shit.

I've found three particularly hard these past few weeks, she tells me she hates me and I think it back. She's spiteful and enjoys pushing me to the point where I snap and scream at her and then she lashes out some more. It's really starting to worry me and I feel quite upset at the way we are both behaving.

I've started having CBT sessions once a fortnight and it's involved talking about my relationship with my Mum. From about the age of 12, my Mum and I clashed and it was only once Lil was born that we put our differences to one side and started again. But up until that point, it was a very fraught relationship. And speaking about it has brought up a lot of unwanted anger and anxiety. I'm anxious that Lil and I will have the same relationship that I had with my Mum and I think I'm directing my emotions at my daughter, unintentionally. Could there be a link between my emotions and her bad behaviour? Is she picking up on my anger and reacting to it by being naughty? Hitting me and telling me she hates me.

I don't want to fuck my child up, let alone fuck her up by the age of four. Just writing about this is making me angry, angry at my parents. Anxious that Lil's dad and I will make the same mistakes my parents did. Worried about her behaviour.

I dug out 'Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children' and searched through to see if I could find an answer to how to deal with this rebellion on Lil's part. I love that she is so headstrong and independent but she's constantly pushing my buttons and whether or not my emotions are to blame, I need help and quick. Sarah Napthali says 'We delude ourselves that we can think our way out of a problem or we see it as a matter of finding the right person to advise us. We become beggars for our problems, asking numerous people for an opinion. So often, we refuse to relax until a problem is fixed, only to discover that our inability to relax was most of the problem.' 

I think my problem is that I am so anxious for my relationship with Lil not to turn sour that I am constantly trying to control her behaviour. Control her feelings towards me. I don't like it when she's angry with me, I don't want her to hate me. Perhaps if I relaxed a bit, she would stop lashing out at me so much. I need to stop letting her behaviour bother me as much as it is and not analysing why she's naughty. She's allowed to be angry, just as I am. I'm always telling people not to bottle their emotions up, why should it be any different for her?

It seems I have a lot to work on. Parenting is hard at the best of times but when you're dealing with a lot of unwanted emotion it really does test you. And three, oh three, you bastard. I'd take two again any day.